Saturday, April 30, 2011


Closure. Closure isn’t actually the word that I am fond with honestly. It is not easy. Yes it is easy when the matters involve isn’t something that you actually care much, really. And yes it is easy to some peoples to just say it. But the truth is, when we actually care or realize that, that truth is hurting us, we tend to run from it. I do. I have this simplest mechanism of thinking and it worked for me in a simple few steps to preserve my sanity. I tend to run from accepting the facts that something is not right. For examples when I was a kid, I have this sort of social problems. I do not make friends. I don’t even know how to start a conversation. But yet I love books. Okey obviously I`m a book-worm, and I am not denying it. I envy those bright, live boys living few houses from mine. We are at the age, go to the same school, in the same class, even better we are cousin but what seems to be the problems is he has friends and I don’t. I kept on thinking and clinging to the facts that I am freak and I hurt me deep emotionally. Then one day I read something psychological from my mum`s reader digest. It is something about putting the shit behind and pretended nothing is wrong. So come to my senses, I created a reason of why people don’t friend me. Well it is a typical, nerdy, 11-years old kid reason, so obviously it is a crap. I told myself that I don’t have friends because I am clever and that only stupid people have friends because they obviously stupid yet have nothing to care about, especially at these ages. Stupid? Yes. Couldn’t agree more. I still laugh about it with my friends to the facts that I am lifeless as a kid. But that is where I am wrong. I don’t get closure. Each day I studied just to prove that I am better than my own cousin. I am reaching out hard for my own expectation which if I recalled is a waste of my childhood. I do have a bad childhood. But that is okey, because back then I am still a kid. I don’t even know what closure is. That is before. But now, I am an expert in closure.

Oh hell , okey fine I lied.

Until now I still find that it is hard to gain closure. So I stick to the sanity method that I practically applied all my life. I stick to the putting-shit-behind-and-smile method. I ran from all my problems. I ran from all the hurting truth. I pretend that bad things just aint happen to me. Who am I kidding? Deep down I know that things will come up to me and like it or not I have to face it, on my own. Even if I know how hard it is, I do know that it`ll be better to just stand up, face it, and put an end to it so I could reach my closure but no, I never do that. I am just afraid to the fact that it`ll be more hurting. I can`t bare the pain. Yeah yeah, call me sissy but I will forever hate truth. There`s a lot of things I should get closure of. Lots and lots of closure. I have a fight with my chemistry teacher while Im in secondry school, until now ,no closure. My exes as well. I mean every single ex of mine ended up as my bestfriend.It is fine for me, but obviously that isn’t closure because somehow there`s time where we turned out to be clinging on each other.

I wanna actually talk about closure but I don’t really get it. But one thing I know is closure helps one to settle down nicely. I need it, but I need time.

1 comment:

  1. When we lie to ourselve, the starts to become the truth, one way or another.

    Time is never qn option you never know when is exactly 'too late' might be 10sec. After reading this, or while anawering the nature's call.
    Ponder and it will do u wonders.